a reminder for self

You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better. Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life  

i ain’t got the 5

For nearly ten years I made a concerted effort to choose my words carefully. To choose which thoughts and feelings I felt safe sharing. That was just too much time for me to be without a voice or with a voice that was hushed to soothe ego. I know that in fighting this depression, I’m…

trace

  My childhood is a Topic. It’s interesting how everyone else experienced that time. Then there is how I experienced this time. As a young child, no one really tried to talk to me about anything so I spent a lot of time alone with my own thoughts. I spent a lot of time alone,…

in the dark

Science says that alcohol thins your blood. They’re not lying. I have a vivid image of my bathroom tiles smeared with blood. I didn’t expect to see that much. It wasn’t alarming or anything. I don’t think I’d ever seen that much blood before. He helped clean it up. I remember feeling joy that he…

breathe again

(trigger warning: suicide, self harm, abuse) Amidst feeling some existential angst, my friend died of an overdose on 1/9/17.  Things started to decline then. The path that had been cobbled before me brought me to this perfect zenith. It was here that I was able to feel all of the pain and trauma that I…

In Your Arms

Believe it or not, I used to pray. I used to lay in bed under weekend quilts, in a room that was not mine. I would place my hand on things, bandages. Salty pillow case wet with a child’s hurt and confusion. Blue light reflecting from the boombox. The same songs I listen to now….