i ain’t got the 5

For nearly ten years I made a concerted effort to choose my words carefully. To choose which thoughts and feelings I felt safe sharing. That was just too much time for me to be without a voice or with a voice that was hushed to soothe ego. I know that in fighting this depression, I’m…

trace

  My childhood is a Topic. It’s interesting how everyone else experienced that time. Then there is how I experienced this time. As a young child, no one really tried to talk to me about anything so I spent a lot of time alone with my own thoughts. I spent a lot of time alone,…

an uphill fall

  When we lived in Brooklyn, after much fighting and all that, it felt strained between us. It wasn’t my doing, but it felt like it was my job to figure out how to make it right. I carried that task (so much so my therapist called me on it within a month or two…

in the dark

Science says that alcohol thins your blood. They’re not lying. I have a vivid image of my bathroom tiles smeared with blood. I didn’t expect to see that much. It wasn’t alarming or anything. I don’t think I’d ever seen that much blood before. He helped clean it up. I remember feeling joy that he…

Sharp Objects

The bathroom filled with fog and I turned on my music  before I stepped into the shower. High as Hope began to play. I sang along while I lathered my body. I hummed along to Sky Full of Song and then I paused when I found myself staring at my scars. I thought I was…

sober

i couldn’t stand your touch when i was sober remembering what the lips that kissed mine said the hands that threw the mug are caressing me touch. penetrate. brown, preferably. kissless. moans; pity-filled. you have no idea. life’s too clear when you’re sober.

Fracture

With each passing day I find myself more amazed by the ways in which the brain protects itself. As a result of my childhood traumas, I have developed an insanely effective and diverse cache of defense mechanisms. I feared being abused or otherwise hurt so I tried to be very agreeable. I found what brought…